Who Have I Become Now That My Roles Have Disappeared?

Who am I?

It used to be such an easy question.

At least, I thought it was.

I’d always answered “Who am I?” by listing the roles I inhabit.

I’m a wife, a mother, a teacher.

But recently, those roles have drastically changed.

  • When I turned in student grades for the very last time, I wondered: “Who am I … now that I’m no longer employed as a college instructor?”
  • As I sat in the audience watching my son officially become a chemical engineer, I wondered: “Who am I … now that my son is an adult?”
  • When we received the news that my husband’s cancer is “indetectable” — praise God! — I was ecstatic. But I also wondered, “What does it look like to be a wife in this post-cancer era, when so much about our relationship has changed?”

Perhaps you’re also accustomed to defining yourself by the roles you play— a daughter, a community member, a friend.

Maybe you’ve also wondered: “When my roles change, who am I?

It’s an unsettling question, to be sure.

An optimistic part of me hoped I’d find the answer as I purged 25 years’ worth of belongings from my (former) campus office.

Amidst decades-old lecture notes and exams, I found:

  • The transparencies (!) from my Master’s thesis defense 30 years ago.
  • A box of alcohol swabs — a holdover (just in case) — from the years I had to self-inject migraine-alleviating shots just to get through the day
  • A variety of mementos:
    • From my past students
    • From my husband (whom I met at work)
    • From my son (who, as a youngster, would sit under my desk while I taught)[My favorite find? A sticky note on which (at my young son’s request) I’d written the words “I LOVE YOU”. He proceeded to duplicate the letters underneath mine and hand it back to me. He’d wanted to write me a note, but didn’t yet know how to spell. <cue mama tears>]
  • And books. So many books.

It turns out that sorting through these items didn’t give me a better clue to who I am.

All it did was remind me of who I used to be. Or — in the case of so many of the unread books — who I’d wanted to be.

But who am I now — especially in light of who I used to be?

Am I my roles (past or present)? My possessions? My greatest accomplishments or <gasp> my biggest failures?

When I recently asked myself, “Who am I now?” I was actually asking a slightly different question, without realizing it:

What am I now? (Or — on my more hopeful days — Who do I want to be now?)

As if taking on new roles is the solution to an identity crisis. As if my old roles — as a wife, a mother, a teacher — have somehow been eliminated as options.

It feels natural to define ourselves by the roles we inhabit.

But I’m finding that the exact opposite is true.

Rather than our identity being the static, well-defined roles we squeeze ourselves into, we’re actually defined by who we are in those roles. By how we let our personalities shine through the many roles and circumstances we experience.

The fact that your roles change is evidence they’re not who you are. They’re just one of your current realities.

If you, too, have defined yourself as the roles you inhabit, it’s an honest mistake. After all, when you were asked throughout your whole childhood, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, you learned to define yourself as what you wanted to be. And you learned to answer the question “Who are you?” by sharing what you are — a wife, a mother, a teacher.

Likewise, we’ve been conditioned (especially by TV shows and social media) to think of our various roles only in specific contexts: a mother is defined as a woman with young children; a teacher is someone who works in a teaching profession.

But the roles we inhabit are more complex than we’ve been led to believe. So what’s the through-line? What does the woman I used to be have in common with the woman I am now?

When I started listening to the question I was actually asking — “Who am I?” instead of “What am I?” — the answers poured onto my journal page:

I am:

  • Someone who trusts God
  • Someone who reads and is well-read
  • Someone who tries new things — even when she’s scared
  • Someone who keeps learning and taking forward action
  • Someone who loves to write and is brave enough to share her words with others
  • Someone who’s kind and loving
  • Someone who’s not afraid to change her mind when she encounters new information
  • Someone who tells the truth

The thing about these qualities is that they do define who I am (or who I strive to be). And I carry them with me through all of the roles and situations I find myself in.

Against the backdrop of the monumental changes my family’s experienced this year, I’ve come to realize that I don’t have to be afraid of my changing roles.

I’m still a wife, a mother, and a teacher. Each of those roles looks different than they used to, but who I am hasn’t changed.

I’m not just a pre-defined version of a wife and mother. I’m someone who loves her people and tries to care for them as best she can . . . no matter how their lives and circumstances change.

I wasn’t just a college instructor. I’m someone who loves to dig deep into complex topics and break them down for others to understand. This has always been true of me … and always will be, even though I’m no longer in a classroom.

So when the question, “Who am I?” arises — especially in the confusion of our ever-changing roles — let’s reframe it.

Let’s ask instead, What are the enduring qualities that I bring to this current situation?

And if you’re unmoored by your changing roles (like I was) — and haven’t quite decided which new roles you want to take on (if any), try asking yourself, “Who do I want to be now?

So, it’s your turn: who are you?

Take a few minutes to remind yourself who you really are deep down— regardless of how much your roles have changed.

And celebrate that continuity. Because changing roles doesn’t change who you are.

2 Comments

  1. Joyce Miller

    Uncle Ken and I really enjoyed your post. We wish you well in your changing roles and are so glad that “Someone who trusts God” was at the top of your list!

    Reply
    • Kendra Burrows

      Thanks so much for sharing, Aunt Joyce! And of course, I can’t imagine life in this crazy world if we didn’t trust God!

      Reply

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Hi, I’m Kendra

I help bright, successful over-thinkers change their negative thoughts using Scripture and the science of how God made you.

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