The canning pot has been sitting at the top of the stairs for several weeks— ever since I’d made pickles in September and then abandoned the idea of making applesauce in October.*
It’s waiting to be carried down to the garage.
What’s so hard about that? It’ll take less than 30 seconds. Why don’t I just carry it downstairs already?
I’m sure my husband wonders the same thing.
Common internet wisdom suggests that if a chore will take less than 2 minutes, you should just do it right now. <eye roll>
I understand that advice. And I often (well, sometimes) follow it.
Until I come across a task that seems like it should take less than two minutes— like carrying the canning pot down one flight of steps— and I procrastinate on it for six weeks.
What’s the deal with that?!
It turns out, what seems like a 30-second task is actually more complicated.
Yes, carrying the pan downstairs takes 30 seconds. But when I get it to the garage, what then?
Where do I put it?
I need to make room for it on one of the shelves. It was a new purchase this summer, so it doesn’t have a dedicated spot complete with dust outline to show where it belongs.
That entails rearranging some of the items that are already on the shelves— which turns it into a way bigger project that absolutely cannot be handled in less than 2 minutes.
Or perhaps even 2 days.
And I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with all of that today. (Or any of the “today”s that have preceded this one.)
True, I could carry the oversized pot down to the garage, one step closer to putting it away. At least it would be out of our main living space.
But that would inadvertently add it to my husband’s to-do list.
Understandably, he doesn’t like items piled in the garage because it’s his workspace. And when he’s using dangerous equipment, what he doesn’t need is extra stuff lying around to trip over.
You’d think I’d just have a conversation with him about it: Hey Hon, do you have any ideas for where we could store this item long-term?
That would be the sensible thing to do: Seek his assistance and together, develop a plan for making room on the garage shelves.
So why don’t I just do it? (There’s that “just” again.)
On the surface, it seems like an easy task. A conversation that could be had in fewer than two minutes. (And maybe even lead to a workable solution within ten— my husband is quite quick and efficient!)
So why have I avoided it for six weeks, you ask?
Good question.
Each time I’ve considered carrying the pot downstairs or raising the topic with my sweet husband, the negative voices in my head have stopped me.
What, pray tell, are the names of these voices?
Here are a few … perhaps you’re familiar with them:
Shame.
Guilt.
Foolishness.
- Shame because we’re living in squalor. Well, not really, but there is a canning pot in our living room for no apparent reason.
- Guilt for not putting it away before now.
- Foolishness because I should be able to do a simple task without asking for help.
Now, if you’re someone for whom overthinking is not an issue— goodie-goodie-gumdrops for you— you’re probably rolling your eyes and muttering to yourself about people who turn the smallest task into a huge production. The words “drama queen” and “just do it already” may be forming on your lips at this very moment.
Or perhaps you’ve already stopped reading. That’s okay. This article probably isn’t for you . . . unless you want to understand the overthinker in your life a little bit better.
But if you’re someone who does experience some form of analysis paralysis, for whom negative thoughts can automatically take over your brain, someone who beats yourself up because you can’t seem to complete one, simple, 30-second task . . .
Well . . .
That, right there, is the problem, isn’t it?
We act like putting away the canning pot is a single, simple, 30-second task. And then we beat ourselves up even more when we can’t do it.
Even though your brain knows it’s more than a quick task.
Putting away the canning pot then becomes a h u g e project . . . in our minds.
All of a sudden, in order to accomplish this “small” task, it feels like we have to
- Clean out the entire garage— or at least the floor-to-ceiling shelves along the back wall.
- Which entails confronting and making decisions about each of the items on those shelves,
- Like the deviled egg holder that comes in handy for potlucks once or twice a year— Do I really need it?
- Or the ice cream maker I used when the kids were young but haven’t gotten out in years — It produced such fun memories (and yummy ice cream!) that maybe I should keep it for when grandkids visit.
- Or the storage containers I was going to use as soon as I got settled into the new house— but are still in their original box . . . from over a decade ago. (It turns out the cut-off for Costco returns is 10 years. Oh, the Shame of it.)
And you know that each of these aspects could open a Pandora’s box to even more negative emotions, such as:
- Disappointment with yourself that you haven’t permanently fixed this part of your personality yet
- Frustration from recently needing to re-purchase knitting & embroidery supplies that you’d given away
- Vulnerability around asking for help
- Embarrassment over having so much stuff you don’t use — when much of the world is in comparative poverty
And the list goes on . . .
It’s the mental health equivalent of If You Give a Mouse Some Crack Cocaine.
So . . . why does it turn into such a huge project?
Why can’t I “just do it”?
If this scenario feels familiar to you, perhaps it’s because you were created this way.
I know. I KNOW. That’s not what you want to hear: Oh great! Another inborn trait that I have no control over.
But hear me out.
Some people (including me) score high in the Big 5 personality trait of “neuroticism”. What does this mean?
It means you’re wired to experience more negative emotion than the average bear; therefore, obstacles tend to stop you in your tracks. Think of the “freeze” component of the classic fight-flight-freeze response: you become paralyzed and stop taking action.
In some cases, even the anticipation of the obstacles stops you in your tracks.
But what can you do about it?
1. Realize that your nervous system is treating this task as if it’s a hungry mountain lion.
When I worked on the outskirts of town, cougars would occasionally descend onto the campus parking lot from the nearby forest. The advice, should we encounter one of these creatures, was two-fold: Don’t turn your back on it, and make yourself as big as possible.
For a physical threat, like a cougar, making yourself big entails standing up tall and putting your hands either on your hips (think: Superman) or above your head (think: Where the Wild Things Are).
How do you “make yourself big” in the face of everyday obstacles? Take a deep breath, stand tall with your shoulders back (you can even stand like Superman, if you want), and say to yourself: “I can figure out where to put this canning pot.”
(Seriously, standing like Superman helps. Give it a try next time.)
2. Change the words you say to yourself.
Your brain hears what you say and believes you. So when you say, “I can’t do this,” or “This is too much to handle,” your brain listens and acts accordingly.
Or, as my friend Cheri Gregory likes to say, “What you hear, you take to heart.”
But confidence diminishes fear.
Other phrases you could choose:
- “I’ve done hard things before, and I can do this one, too.”
- “I may need to take it step by step, but I can do it.”
3. Acknowledge the value of small actions.
If your instinct is to guilt yourself because a task is “so small” that you “should” be able to do it without gearing up . . . just remind yourself that “every journey begins with a single step.”
That’s the conventional wisdom, anyhow.
And it may help, because it’s true. But sayings like this . . . although they can sometimes be inspirational . . . are often unhelpful because we’ve heard them so often it’s easy to gloss over their meanings.
So instead, remind yourself that this is practice for bigger things. You’re building muscle memory for your brain.
I was on the swim team for a short while when I was a kid. (Just long enough to realize it’s no fun to spend hours in a chlorinated pool and then walk home with wet hair in the middle of winter.) But one thing I recall is that the instructors spent an inordinate amount of time teaching us how to breathe.
Let’s be clear: I knew how to breathe; I’d been doing it all my life. I even knew how to turn my head out of the water to breathe while swimming because I’d leveled out of my swimming classes. But this seemingly small task was so important that we spent hours practicing it.
And although this breathing practice ultimately didn’t improve my race performance (last place is still last place), it did make a difference for those who actually enjoy swimming competitively and wanted to improve their skills.
The point is: even seemingly small steps are more important than we realize.
4. Learn how to handle your negative voices.
Sometimes the easiest way to handle our negative thoughts is to just acknowledge them and move on. (It’s so deceptively simple that we often forget to try it.)
Your negative thoughts are your brain’s way of getting your attention and keeping you out of danger. But when you’re not in any mortal danger, you can treat the intrusive thought as you would a coworker who offers unsolicited advice: Tell your brain “thank you,” and then move on.
Having a pan on your living room floor is not an emergency situation.
5. Take one small first step.
If you’re prone to overthinking, you can become paralyzed with indecision because you imagine all the hurdles you’ll encounter throughout the whole project. (This is like me thinking I have to reorganize the entire garage— including coming to a Final Decision about the ice cream maker— before I’m able to put away the canning pot.)
But there’s no use collecting obstacles before you get to them.
If you ever watch equestrian show jumping, you’ll hear about the importance of horses taking each obstacle as it comes. Commentators warn against riders getting ahead of themselves; instead, they must focus on preparing properly for the upcoming jump.
So ask yourself: What’s the first thing I need to do?
6. Remind yourself of what’s true.
For instance, if you’re avoiding a conversation that could solve your problem (as I was), start by asking what’s true of the other person.
In my case, my husband knows me. He knows that I sometimes have trouble with seemingly “simple” tasks. More important, he loves me and doesn’t want to shame me. Therefore, any shame I feel is coming from me, not him.
You might also remind yourself what’s true of you, and what’s true of your current situation. You’re likely doing the best you can in a busy season. Rather than excuses, those are factors to keep in mind.
7. Remember that this is one, single instance.
Your brain might tell you that you always act this way. And it may be true that you’ve experienced this kind of indecision before. But you’ve also had plenty of experience completing 2-minute tasks in less than 2 minutes. There are just too many for your brain to catalog and track.
In fact, your brain was created to remember anomalies. For instance, you may have driven to the Home Depot thousands of times, as I have. But your brain only ever reminds you of that one time (over a decade ago) that another car zoomed into the parking lot and clipped your open door, mere seconds from hitting you in the process.
Trust me, if analysis paralysis were your default setting— as you might imagine it is— you would not be able to get out of bed each day, let alone check off all those tasks from your to-do list.
8. Consider how good you’ll feel when the dreaded task is done.
Past experience suggests that a week after my canning pot has found its forever home in the garage, I will not be thinking negative thoughts about it.
Seeing the canning pot on the living room floor triggers the negative thoughts. But once it’s put away, the shame and negative feelings will go away almost immediately. No more triggers.
(Though, in fairness, I’ll probably move on to thinking negative thoughts about something else instead. LOL. #kiddingnotkidding)
This week, consider the things that bring up negative feelings inside of you.
- Perhaps it’s the sight of an item that needs to be dealt with (e.g., the lonely Christmas decoration that stayed behind after the others were put back in the attic).
- Or it may be a task you’ve been avoiding (e.g., you can’t quite get up the energy to go to Winco, even though you’ve taken to eating nothing but PB&J and Cheerios, like a toddler).
- It may even be a person you interact with regularly that triggers those feelings (e.g., being reminded that you’ve forgotten to send a thank you note to Mary . . . each time you see her sister at the drive-thru window).
You may be surprised at how many everyday things that you’ve been avoiding trigger your negative thoughts — and how relatively easily those thoughts disappear when you face them head-on.
* Not to worry— the canning pot has now found it’s forever home in our garage.
I feel like I should have opened this much sooner and had a more productive Saturday!
Your message always enlightening to me! I am so glad that I receive your posts!
The message was right on point ant has been encouraging to me!
Thanks super girl!
Thanks, Debbie! I’m glad it was encouraging to you.